It was the Winter of 2007, Nate was nuking opponents at Segathon in his steamrolling drive to overtake Jud’s two title record. After ST 07 Nate was peppered with questions from the press about his newfound power. “There are some things I don’t understand right now,” Nate the Segathoner declared. “The old controllers that used to take great force to get the down b move to work, now seems easy to push. I can’t tell you why.”
Nate was Skyrocketing in the Polls, then enter rookies at POP 07. The Six rookies that attended POP, Four were in the Top Ten and the 1st and 2nd place holders were rooks. The vets seemed to start to take notice and then at Ryder Cup 08, Veteran Blair had the stamina to score 21 goals in a game, shattering the record old record of 12 goals from last year.
At this point Senator Mitchell had enough evidence to bring forth Allegation of Thumb Enhancers. See below snapshots of what unfolded since Ryder Cup and how WANG Members fixed the scandal.
Mitchell above: “These goal averages can’t be legit,” Also the average Segathoner’s thumbs were 2.5 inches long in 2004 now the average thumb of a Segathoner is 8 inches. You can’t explain that without enhancers.
After hours of negotiations, Blair the 97 player rep conceded to Thumb testing as long as the beer pension would get a 4% increase in 2015. While Brandon the 98 rep threatened to move all 98 members to the Canadian league, but then agreed later on when he found out that Elsnore beer from the movie Strange Brew was fake.
Exhibit A from the Mitchell Report. Segathoners Dan and Dave, posters boys for the Segathon Olympics, with what can only be described as Mike Doughty like thumbs.
When interviewed about his large thumb Dan exclaimed “You think I give a dam about the HOF! My thumb enhancement was only from flaxseed oil and B12 shots,”
While Dave said that he used it once or twice to recover from my thumb injury he sustained in POP 06 in the puking contest
Then the bottom dropped out, Travis and Grant were found running a thumb enhancer lab in Blooming Prairie. All the tell tail signs were there, easy bake oven, hgh, feral tapirs and a picture on the wall of the famous Thumb Enhancer Czar: Larry from Perfect Strangers
In a last ditch effort to protect the sport Liberace Pat went on 60 minutes. He now holds the record for most time spent on air without talking. Here is an excerpt.
Wallace: Quit Stonewalling me Pat! Did you or Did you not take HGH?
Liberace Pat: …………………..
Wallace: Fuck It! I want you to look out side the window here, because this is what you get when you fuck a stranger in the ass
Wallace had to be restrained at this point.
A new alliance was made, Segathon teamed with Major League Baseball putting up a united front on Thumb enhancers.
At first is was rocky, Players like Chuck Knoblauch , got the yips after withdrawal shown above a visibly bored Karl pulled his goalie early in the first period as Chuck Knoblauch was unable to hit the net, even from point blank. Karl won 38-Zip.
Then players took the ball and ran. They started B.A.T.E. The Brotherhood Against Thumb Enhancement.
Their spokes people were the 98 Ryder Cup Team plus Barry Bonds.